Trouble In Paradise
I am a bad person.
I think the only thing I can do well is ruin peoples lives, break their hearts and change them forever.
He found out everything.. I thought I had deleted the chats but he loaded them back somehow..
And now he knows that I smoked up behind his back in Bangalore, the one thing he asked me not to do. This is the 3rd time I got caught, and to make matters worse, he thinks the friendly banter I was having with the 20 year old boy is serious flirting.
He called me an addict, he called me a desperate and low person. He also said that I have probably been sleeping behind his back. He even used my phone to sms the 20 year old pretending to be me, trying to find out if I slept with him.
He also wanted to call off the wedding. He snatched the phone and he found my wordpress app. But I was lucky that he could not figure out how to read the posts. But he knows I have a blog and now demands to read it. I deleted everything from my i phone as soon as I could. I deleted watsap, snapchat, instagram, twitter, wordpress everything.
I dont know what I am doing and I dont know why I did this.
I dont know what got into me.. He kept reading and re reading the snapchat with the boy, and he read that I told the boy thar he remidns me of Bu. I told him that probably is the reason that I chat with him so much. When he read that I thought he was goign to kill me. I really thought that he was going to kill me and kill himself too.
since then everyday I have bad dreams, day before I woke up in a cold hotel room screaming and sweating even when it was 15 degrees outside. I realized it was 5:30 and very dark and I was alone. I was so scared. The dream was nothing new, so I dont know why I reacted this way. I saw that I met you somewhere and you were so happy and you wanted to tell me all about your new GF and how happy she makes you and how amazing it is and she showed you waht love is. and I did not want to hear it so I ran, I ran hard but you kept laughing and running after me to rub it in my face. I think I was scared that you were going to hit me.
There are things that happened that night when he fought with me, things I cannot dare write. things that hurt me. My mom thinks that we fought probably because he found out that I still talk to Bu behind his back. A lie I had to tell her because she was in the next room when we were fighting from 10 pm to 5 pm in the morning. she was so scared, she wanted to know what it was about.
what would she think if she knew the truth? if she knew about the smoking up and if she knew about the chats with the 20 year old? What would she do if she knew about what he did when he could not control his anger and his pain? He did not even apologize about it later, even now when things are better between us and started to heal, he has not apologized for the things he did that he should not have.
Would she tell me that I deserve it? I sure think I do.
I dont even know my wordpress password and account name, cuz I never log out… but I cant keep it logged in anymore, since he checks everything now. And now I dont know what to do.
I am broken and scared, i feel like a piece of shit and i feel like a terrible person. I feel nothing like who I used to be with Bu.